so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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