We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
