The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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