does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
