My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
