My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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