Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
