I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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