my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
