the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You can't motorboat a personality
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
