Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
