I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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