I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
