The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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