Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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