Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
