I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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