he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
