i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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