I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
