My liver just broke up with me...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
