The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
