What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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