If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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