Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize