She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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