I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
