Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
PANTIES FOUND
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