If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
