so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
