I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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