i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I met the friendliest cop last night
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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