I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
