Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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