you're like a bully in the Christmas story
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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