Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
