Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
