hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
