Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
