If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
