As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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