I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
