you would pick up someone in the library
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
In America we eat man semen.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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