i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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