I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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