I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
