ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
