does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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