My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
