is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
