Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
