My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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