One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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