she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
