I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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