I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
