its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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