im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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